sábado, 27 de junio de 2015
Hi my dearest void, I have run out of words, again. This is the time when you come to the rescue and make me write in a different language so, like I once wrote, I can make up for the lines unwritten in my maternal language. Where do my strengh comes from? Where do I get the drive to keep on going and take care of my loved ones when I am feeling dark, falling into the deepest despair, when I feel like I'm breathing by an act of God, when I feel I am being pushed to walk, because otherwise I would be standing still or maybe even laying somewhere out there.
I have all this beauty to share but I can't bring myself to do it right, I am trying hard to be stoical, to be the hero of my family, to be able to win a different battle and to be awarded, like my father was, with the Medal of Valor for his courage under fire at the korean war. I wish I had the audacity he had when he was alive. I could witness his unwillingness to give up on anything. For every problem he'd always find an answer, a solution and would even perform miracles when I thought nothing could be done. He was a war hero, but he will always be the hero of my story. I miss him and I would give anything to talk to him so that he could tell me what to do, because I know for sure he would tell me exactly what to do.
So I am going to pretend that he's talking to me from the heavens above telling me everything will work out for the good, that beyond my reason there's a reason for everything that happens in my life and that when you love God, everything turns out for the best. I know he would have told me not to give up, to fight, to be strong, to not cave, to trust my Lord, Jesus Christ, to never let go. I am sure before he parted, he asked the Lord to guide me, to get me through life, to protect me, to send me His Angels to help me from any predicament.
Papa, I will try my best to be like you. That, I promise. Just keep sending Angels my way to protect me and to allow me to finish your unfinished work, my mom, my brother, and my daughters... till next time dear void, it was great writing to you...L
martes, 16 de junio de 2015
Hi my dearest void, I hope you are ok. I am somewhat sad, but there's always the dream of a better day. I need you close, I need your blank pages more than ever so that I can write off whatever comes my way. I know I can count on you and that keeps me going. Don't go anywhere, I beg of you!!! Somehow, every day, life finds a way to bring me a new line, a phrase that would inspire me to write something beautiful or meaningful to me and maybe to you as well. Today was about the Empire State Building at New York City. I went there when I was just a kid so my memories are less than zero. But today I was telling a friend my wishes to go to the top of the building and kiss the air, because the higher you are, the less oxygen there is and I remember that real kisses feel like that. I learn a long time ago a scientific fact that most people don't know about a kiss. When you kiss someone you love, you don't want to stop for fresh air, you would rather drown in their lips and inhale carbon monoxide, so that the kiss would never stop. You would start to feel dizzy but that's the beauty of it, to let go and fall deep, to dream away. I've seen so many romantic movies about the Empire State Building, i.e., Sleepless in Seattle, An Affair to Remember and what they all have in common is the top of the building, the truth about what Shakespeare famously said: "Journeys end in lovers meeting", the happy ending, the place where everything ends or begins. Is it a state of mind, a chemical reaction, is it real or is it just the beauty of it all that bring us closer to heaven? Who knows, but I am glad I got to think of kissing the air up there. For a moment it was funny, but then it wasn't. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but some wishes do come true. Take care my dearest void, until next time, and a kiss from my Empire state of mind...
jueves, 11 de junio de 2015
Hi my dearest void... I am so glad you are here, at this late hour, when everyone is sleeping or at least trying to, reading my silly thoughts, thinking of my well being and wondering if I am doing ok. I believe you are out there somewhere, hidden in the most beautiful silence, waiting for me to write something new. Today was somewhat busy at work, not as hectic as some other days. I believe is the season, it's summer, everyone is on vacation somewhere in this Island or traveling to Paris, Oh! Paris, today I heard from a friend that I should go sometime to the City of Lights, I believe that's what they call it. The funny thing is I have been there three times in my life, only I was 5 or 6 years old and I can't remember a thing. But it's ok. Life is full of second chances, and maybe, just maybe there might be a chance for me to go back someday and to be able to remember it's splendor. If it happens, I want to have dinner at the restaurant in the Eiffel Tower. I wish there was a way. But since I haven't been lucky enough to go back I have made Puerto Rico my Country and Miami my Paris. I used to live in Miami and some of my best memories are from the time I got to work and study there. I often go to visit my family and enjoy every minute of it. Every time I go I feel as if I was visiting one of the wonders of the world, because every time it feels different. Being with your loved ones is what matters, but nevertheless, I can always dream. Dreaming is the only way we can escape to a better world, to a fantasy world, to our own world where everything is as it should be and there's always a happily ever after, like in the fairy tales. I learned today that there's always hope of a better future and when you least expect it, there's a real Angel helping you through it, someone you believed unreal, a friend that would bring back a smile on a rainy day, that would give you hope when you've lost it all, that will cheer you up when you cannot stand on your own, that would look into your eyes and believe in you, that would become a shoulder to cry on, that would tell you what to do or think when you believe there's not an answer. I had 15 minutes of heaven today... I forgot my sorrows, my distress, my pain and became myself, before the ugly, before I found out that life is hard, before I was hurt for the first time, before I met reality... Thank you for reading my thoughts, dear void, I will be coming back more often... until then...L
miércoles, 10 de junio de 2015
Me destierro de ti.
Ya no hay azul suficiente y te destiñes
con el fluir de las estaciones,
el estío ha congelado nuestro otoño.
Silenciosa partida que me hace mariposa,
con un vuelo corto a la ilusión,
mientras se desprende lo sereno de mis alas
hasta inmortalizarme en las rocas
o en el verde crudo del quebranto.
Desaparezco, allí, donde los hijos lloran,
donde las viudas danzan entre flores secas
la irreal espera que las ha rendido.
Ya no suplicaré a tu oído sigiloso
que escuche platónica la víctima de un verso,
escrito con la tinta de un corazón rasgado
que subsiste tejiendo latidos a tu ritmo.
Hoy los niños no corren, han vencido tus brazos,
ahora el tiempo te sobra para el beso pasivo,
para el abrazo tibio y el jardín descuidado,
pero el cristal refleja a la arrogada niña
en la nada sucedida de las tiernas miradas,porque la vida fluye, porque todo termina.
lunes, 8 de junio de 2015
My dearest void, here I am, late as usual. I feel exactly like you, like an empty canvas or glass, clueless, lost... Waiting for it to pass, for life to pass. That's our biggest challenge. Whatever it is that we're facing at some point is nothing compared to the waiting. Patience is definitely a virtue, is otherworldly, divine, only God can give it or take it away. Sometimes, we cannot control our emotions, unless something greater than us, takes control. Even the strongest person can easily lose it and just cave, hide, stop to a point that everything moves around them, but them. The waiting for an answer, for a miracle, for a reason, for a lost love or cause, for a new love, for anything that's meaningful. The waiting for that something that causes pain to go away, so that we can resume our lives.
We humans are waiting to die someday, but live itself manages to make us forget that somewhere in the future it will happen. I believe the only way to survive is to actually ignore what's real, otherwise we will not move, or breathe or go on just thinking it could happen anytime, anywhere, without expecting it. We would become crazy and paranoid, anxious, obsessive, mistrustful to a point it would not be worth living. I believe God took care of that. I believe that part of his creation was to make sure life would focus on life, even though someday it would fade away. He gave us the strength to be able to put death in a little box in the back of our minds, to be able to not think about it until the time would come.
That's an amazing way to deal with everything that would come our way when we have no control over it, when waiting is the only answer, when dealing with it would be pointless. Imagine the struggle, being aware of death all the time: the sleepless nights, the unhappiness, the sadness, the misery we would get ourselves into every day.
So learning to control our feelings, to forget that, which we have no control of or oversee or take care of, is the answer. Waiting for it to pass, waiting for time to pass, dealing with what we have on hand only. What a great lesson God has given us. He has empower us to survive the fear of death. We can use the same power to deal with the worst in live, to deal with our daily fears, to deal with whatever, with whomever. To be able to hide the fear in a box in the back or our minds until is time to open it.
It takes courage, bravery, audacity, valor, but as we grow and go on, we can develop a sense of patience, of wisdom and meanwhile, become a better person. So, it was nice to write to you my dearest void, because I was running out of patience today, but somehow writing to you, brought it back... I hope tomorrow I won't have to write my way off ... until next time…
cuatro Salmos en la mano,
un extracto de Proverbios,
una sonrisa en los labios,
un poco de paz luego de la tríada.
Pasó una noche y un día…
el agua bautismal, salpicando tus brazos,
las palabras que se le dan a una hija,
tus manos laboriosas marcadas con sangre,
un testamento que no pudo transcribirse.
Pasó otra noche y amaneció…
avisarte que vendría,
pero una voz inesperada frustró nuestro encuentro:
"¡Se nos fue!".
Tus últimas palabras, un reclamo de soledad,
un concierto de blancas palomas ofrecido en tu cuarto,
un asomo a la divinidad mientras cruzabas el umbral
una visión de otra habitación.
Ya no serás el botín del avariento,
la caja de oro de todos los que hurgan tus monedas,
ni sentirás el acoso del cajero.
ya pronto nos reuniremos,
en el lugar de las almas campeadoras,
bajo el escudo impenetrable de la ofrenda.
Recado a mi tía Ángeles Algarín Castro
Descansa en Paz, titi Angie.
domingo, 17 de mayo de 2015
He sido sumergida en lo profundo del abismo,
han llenado mi vida de iniquidad,
han congelado los brazos de tu sierva
y no puede acurrucar a aquellos que le encomendaste,
la sonrisa ha escapado de su rostro,
Tu silencio se ha convertido en el dolor que respira.
No permitas que tropiecen mis pasos, Yahveh,
fortalece sus cimientos para sostener los pilares de mi heredad, la que desde la eternidad me regalaste,
cumple en mí Tus promesas, para ser el vivo testimonio de Tu Poder y Tu Grandeza.
Eres el amigo fiel e importante,
el aliento nuevo que me levanta,
Eres la vida nueva que me espera,
la alianza eterna desde los tiempos de Noé,
el consuelo en la tribulación,
el amor perfecto que me hace a Tu imagen,
la Fe que me quebranta pero nunca me destruye,
la medida exacta de la plenitud.
Confío ¡Oh, Yahveh! en Tu Palabra,
en el agua que se desbordó para Agar en el desierto, en medio de su destierro,
en el pacto con Abraham de ser el Padre de las naciones,
en el signo que Te humanizó
para ser ejemplo de que se puede cumplir con Tus mandamientos,
en Tu cuerpo sacrificado por el mío para el perdón de mis pecados y Su ofrenda para mi salvación,
Vuelve a mi Tu rostro, para que nada ni nadie pueda dañarme, cobíjame a la sombra de Tus Alas, para que el mal no me alcance. Descanzo en Tí, ¡Oh, Jehová de los ejércitos, Poderoso de Israel! Salvación mía.
Lourdes M. Collazo